I’m Just Average Teen Me. As you will probably know, yesterday, I think I had some sort of anxiety attack and I had to end my post and leave it as half of what I wanted it to be. I planned on having the first part be me asking advice on the Regina situation, and then the next part being what this post will be soon. But first I wanted to clear up what happened exactly last night. I have written it all down, to try and get my thoughts out and maybe help prevent it in the future.
Basically, at about 20:00, I was just casually messaging Penny, like I do most nights, And believe it or not, I was texting about OUAT…. 😀 By about 20:10, she was talking about one of her latest celebrity crushes, and stuff like that … Penny had sent a screenshot of out OUAT/her crush texts to the other group chat on Instagram because they were actually quite hilarious. It was about this time that I had started writing yesterday’s post (well probably a little earlier actually) So, I carried on writing that post until 20:28 when the first message was sent. I checked my phone and saw a screenshot of the Instagram Squad group chat (I’m not in that by the way, because I don’t have instagram) and well, the first thing I saw was “She pi***s me off” It instantly made my stomach feel awful, but I didn’t know what was going on, so I read the whole screenshot. It went something like this:
Penny: Did u read the screenshot? And what Jatm said? (basically asking if she thought our conversation was funny or if it was just us.)
Regina: Idgaf what Jatm said.
Penny: Why tf not ???
Regina: Cos she pi***s me off
Penny: What if I screenshot that? And show her?! How tf do u think she’ll feel?!
Then I realised there was another screenshot.
Regina: She doesn’t care about me so why should I care about her
Regina: She never thinks before she speaks and she doesn’t even say sorry after she says something mean
Just clearing this up, I am probably one of the least likely people to say something mean. I would feel horrendous about it forever, so I just avoid situations like that. So on the WhatsApp chat, where me and Penny were texting each other, I just replied with a series of question marks and waterfall crying faces. Then said “What?” “I don’t understand ….” “Why!??” “What do I say that’s mean?” “I feel like dying.” “I thought Regina was one of my best friends?” And then more crying faces. And then there was another screenshot. It had missed some stuff out that was said before that I haven’t seen but I’m guessing it was Penny threatening to send me screenshots and sticking up for me.
Penny: Oh don’t worry!
Penny: I am!
Penny: U CAN’T TALK ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE THAT! ESPECIALLY ONE OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS!
Regina: She knows.
Rachel (new codename. She’s also in the squad): Oh good god
Rachel: I can’t cope with this man
Penny: Shut up! You can’t say things like that! Especially behind her back!
That screenshot was captioned saying that Penny fought for me, and a smiley face emoji. So I replied basically thanking her for being so nice. By this point (it was only about 4 ish mins after I had first seen the messages.) I had started to shake a bit, and probably had my head in my hands worrying about just about everything you could possibly imagine. How would I tell my mum that I’d fallen out with her? How would I face her at school? Am I responsible for her not being in the squad anymore? And basically, I was just really stressing out.
A couple minutes later, I really couldn’t stay still at all. My knees were trembling really bad and my heart rate had gone up a mile. The WhatsApp conversation ended and I didn’t speak to Penny again that night.
When I thought the stress couldn’t get any worse (around 15 minutes after the first messages) I went into full panic mode. I was struggling to do much other than worry… So I went onto google and searched “How to calm down when you are having an anxiety attack?” but it was quite difficult to type since my hands were shaking so much. By this point my whole body was shaking, I was breathing really fast, I was trying really hard to hold back tears and I was basically just terrified. But then I realised, there was someone that might be able to help. Ashley. She has had panic attacks before so I texted her asking what a panic attack feels like, with no explanation why I was asking. And obviously her initial reaction was to ask why. So I told her. Specifically, I said “Please? I think I’m dying… Penny told me what Regina said about me. I’m all shaky and I can barely hold still.” So then she phoned me. And I declined. I couldn’t have my family know what was going on! Surely they’d hear me talking from upstairs. She didn’t seem to understand the situation, which became clear when I asked her if she had seen her instagram recently, and she hadn’t. So she replied with saying that she would check her insta, and that usually in a panic attack you feel very faint and start crying and shake a lot. Sounds like me.
I think this was the peak of the ‘anxiety attack’ (if that’s even what it was)
As you could imagine, she wasn’t very happy with what Regina had been saying so she apparently messaged her. She must have told Rachel, because less than 5 minutes later, my phone pinged, and I had a twitter notification. I checked and it was Rachel. Asking if I was okay, because Ashley had said that she was worried and that I wasn’t feeling so hot. So I told her that I was feeling better, which wasn’t entirely true. I was still shaking insanely and didn’t want to face the world ever again. She was relieved about that though.. So I said that I needed to distract myself, and she gave me the idea of watching some YouTube. So I did. I lay on my bed, with my main lights switched off, but my fairy lights on, watching YouTube videos that I needed to catch up on, still shaking like mad. I probably looked like I had electricity going through my legs… Just before then, I had tried to gain control of the situation by using a technique mentioned in Girl Online (an AMAZING book) but it didn’t work… I couldn’t take my mind off all of my worries.
Anyways, I wound up going downstairs to watch Gogglebox with my mum, dad and sister. Thank goodness none of them noticed the shaking. It went down a bit actually because I was distracted.. But once I got back upstairs to my bedroom, my knees started shaking again, and I almost lost control of it again. But I went downstairs to be with my dog… She’s the only one that won’t really understand that something is up so I could be with her, and not have to worry about anything getting out.
So, I had a hot chocolate, cried myself to sleep and slept off the shakes… Not an ideal way to end the day but at least I’m feeling better today. As for the Regina situation, I have told her that we just need to pretend that none of it ever happened. Turns out she found out about my panic, because of an annoyed Ashley telling her that I had got quite stressed out. But that’s okay. She apologised, and said that she didn’t mean it. When I’m pretty sure she meant it… Nobody would say anything like that if they really didn’t mean it…. She probably just feels bad.
The thought of going back to school terrifies me, even writing this post made me all shaky, but not to the point I was yesterday, just in my hands…
What do you think? Have you got any advice? Please let me know in the comments if you have anything that can help or if you have anxiety… Is what I have described an anxiety/panic attack?
Oh and I promise, I will do the TTTS post tomorrow!
–Just Average Teen Me