I’m Just Average Teen Me. If you’re wondering what I mean by ‘it’, I mean a few things actually. First off: people betraying my trust, and second: panic attack. For my newer readers, I had a panic attack in October 2015, and since then it’d only been minor shake-ups. Well, today that changed. And I’m pretty freaking terrified to say the least.
I’ll take you through everything that’s happened today, so I can set the scene and let you know what caused it and whatnot.
Everything was completely fine until French, at about 12:00. To be specific, it got a whole lot better, because I ended up with 100% on a vocabulary test which is pretty cool. A (freaking annoying, I might add) guy in my French who sits across the classroom shouted my name, asking what I got. I told him. It was right then that today became the worst day this year, if not in the last two years.
“Britt told me who you like”
Obviously, my first thought was, ‘she would never’, so I said to him “She doesn’t even know.” You’ll probably know, that was a lie. She knows about Flynn. So, this guy proceeds to say that he knows, and then says “Do you want me to whisper across the classroom?” and I told him I’d rather he didn’t. He ignored.
Cupping his mouth, he lip-synced his name: first and last. Britt had told him, and I had no idea why. Of all the people to tell, he’s one of the worst. I said “I promise you, I don’t” and turned back around to my work, refusing to turn around again. Gradually, I could feel my whole face burning up, and I was completely freaking out on the inside. From there, I went into rebound chatty mode, where I talked insane amounts and about anything I possibly could to anyone I could. My knees were shaking and I was completely terrified, but I couldn’t show it.
Lunch time rolls on, and I went to find Britt and Hayley. The first actual sentence I said was “I’m going to kill you.” which may seem a little harsh, but I guess it was a little sarcastic. She played the ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ until I said the guy she told’s name – then she turned around and laughed. Laughed.
Turns out, she told at least 5 other people. He came up in conversation in one of her lessons, and she told the people in her group. From there, she was talking about how “it doesn’t really matter”; “they don’t care” and “why do you care what they think anyway?”. I told her that it really wasn’t okay. As soon as they (Penny and Britt) found out Flynn even existed, I made them both swear to secrecy. Both of them have betrayed that, and it’s pretty safe to say that I’m trusting neither of them ever again.
As soon as I got off the bus, and began to walk home, I felt my breathing pick up, and by the time I got upstairs, into the bathroom and had a drink, I was more than convinced I was about to throw up. I wound up pacing around my bedroom (there’s only enough space for about three steps until reaching a wall or my bed). It was then that I realised I was having a panic attack. Tears were brewing at my eyes, all moisture in my mouth disappeared, my throat felt like it was closing, my whole body was shaking and shivering with cold sweats, my balance was pretty bad (although the pacing probably didn’t help it) and my stomach was still churning. It lasted about 15 minutes, which is shorter than the one in October, but the feeling of dread was just as bad – if not worse.
Distinctly, remember saying “stop it” and “woman up” over and over, begging it to go away as I trembled, but it didn’t do much. I was biting my finger and gripping at my trouser leg. Babysitting my two-year-old brother while drinking excessive amounts of water helped to send it away, partly because I didn’t want him to see me cry.
I’ve just got off facetime with Ashley, who told me not to worry, although I’m pretty sure I have some reason to… I’m still terrified and I really don’t want to go back to school on Monday… Have you ever been in a similar situation?
–Just Average Teen Me