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Feeling Lowest of the Low

Frankly, I need somewhere to rant. So I’ve ended up here because I know you’ll listen.
I feel like crap. Right now, I feel worse than I’ve felt in quite a good while, and I’m about to give you a few of the reasons why.

Today was destined to be boring as hell, since my laptop has decided to give up within the last few days. Broken? I’m not sure if it’ll ever work again or if it’s finally breathed it’s last. I’m hoping it’s just having some time off.. We all need some every now and then, right?

For a few hours, I’d been alternating between scrolling through social media and colouring in my Enchanted Forest book. So far, alright. Could be better, could be worse – will be worse. 

A few hours ago, Penny told me that one of her closest friends likes Flynn (the guy who’s been taking up a lot of my mind from school) and that he “flirts with her”. Turns out she’s also going on the Italy trip in October. Along with me, Flynn and two other girls that like him. Four of us. Four girls that like the same guy. If you haven’t gathered, he’s extremely attractive, hence the slight fanbase he has going on.

After then, I spiralled into the mental state I’m kind of in at the moment. Where has liking this guy actually got me? It’s completely idealistic, since I’ve only spoken to him twice. It’s all based off how I want his personality to be, because he’s good-looking and matches my type insanely well. Not to mention, he’s one of the more popular people in my year, and I’m well … not one of the popular girls. So I guess you could say it’s useless. And finding out about all these other girls with such higher chances just doesn’t do anything for it either.

That’s all? I’m just gloomy over not having chances with some jerk? Not quite.

After sitting in my own conscience for a bit, I decided to post on an Instagram fan account I have. The caption was a condensed version of everything above this point. Including referring to him as “the popular guy”. All seemed fine.

 Until it didn’t say I was on my fan account. 

Somehow, I’d been logged out of the fan account, and had just posted that onto my personal account. Over 100 people from my school year and some from other years follow me on there. I’d deleted it as soon as I could, and it ended up on for about a minute. Maybe a little longer. Combined with the fact that I rarely post, people probably got the notification of “Awkwardsaurus posted for the first time in a while”. There’s no way of knowing how many people saw – or if they saw for that matter.

I sat with my eyes shut, breathing heavily for about 10 minutes, and then came to write this post while listening to the depressing music playlist on Spotify…

I’m sorry for being dramatic, it’s really nothing but it’s just making me feel rubbish…

Awkwardsaurus

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Whizzing

Shocker, Awkwardsaurus is back. Anyways, I’m in an odd mood at the moment, and I thought I’d write down (type up) some of my thoughts just to get them out and see if anyone else is feeling similar.
It started because I said that not much of anything eventful has happened in the last while. It feels like the last few weeks have blurred together and I’m just floating around in the middle somewhere. Or like I’m stuck here being pushed along by time. And when I think back to what’s actually happened, it just seems like schoolwork and revision. 

That being said, there’s that one incident of seeing Flynn cheekily stick his tongue out at someone which may have left me literally speechless but that’s for another time. 😉

I feel like it’s starting to hit me that I’m getting to a point that really matters. I’m in Year 10, so I’m about half way through my GCSE courses. In October, I’m leaving the country without my family for a school trip. I’ll be in a foreign country, without my best friends and without my family. I have zero clue what I want to take at college, let alone what I want to do with my life.

It’s slowly getting closer to when I won’t see my friends every single day – I’ll have made new ones. And today’s crushes will be yesterday’s embarrassment. 

For one of the first times, I’m willing the time to go slower. So I can appreciate everything I have while I still have it, because in a year and a half, I’ll have left high school, and as far away as it seems, the last year and a half have gone insanely quickly. I guess you could say I’m scared that this year and a half will go just as fast.

It’s a pretty stark contrast to the me just over two years ago. I’d convinced myself that I could make it through another four years without friends, that I could hang out alone for the rest of my high school life. I was begging for time to go quicker so I could just get it over with.

I didn’t think I’d end up with the friends I have now. I’ve never told anyone as much about me as I have to Britt and Penny, whether they told the secrets or not. They’re my best friends, and it’s scary to think that one day they might just be a reminiscent memory of my teenage life.

So from now, I plan to focus more on the present, not worry about what will happen in the future, or dwell on what’s already happened in the past. 

If any of you have felt similar, it’d be great to hear in the comments ❤

See you next time

Awkwardsaurus

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People Need Space

Hi,

I’m Just Average Teen Me. Following Friday’s situation (to say the least), I’ve been anxious and nervous all weekend. I still have shaky knees when I walk down stairs, and I’ve been feeling sick at the thought of school on Monday… Clueless would be a good way to describe how I’m feeling about the whole thing: I don’t understand why Britt told them, and how on Earth I’m going to convince people I don’t without seeming overly defensive. :/

Anyways, that’s not what this post is about.

As soon as I got on the bus, I said on the group chat (Britt, Penny, Hayley and me) that I needed a break, and “see you on Monday.” That chat was a place where I could be totally myself, and not worry about what other people think, because they wouldn’t ever see it. Tables have turned and I’m not sure how I feel about it not being anywhere near as safe as I imagined it. Secrets get out, and I guess you could say it’s my fault for putting them in there in the first place.

Because of that, I’ve distanced myself from the chat, without a specific time I plan on being back; I don’t want to say something on there that ends up getting out again. Although I’ve muted the chat notifications, I still see the most recent message every time I go on to text Ashley. She’s been amazing with the whole dilemma, and promises to deny it if anyone finds out and asks. It’s probably good for you to know that even writing this is making me shake and shiver a little.

Usually, the messages are “JATM COME BACK” or “where the hell did Jatm go?”. If you ask me, I think it’s a slight invasion of privacy, when I quite clearly stated that I needed a break.

And that’s the main point of this post.

When people need a break from reality, don’t push them to come back. 

By prying, you might feel like you’re getting closer to that person, but  they’re stepping back further and further every time. Eventually, it’ll be harder for them to come back.

Space and time are vital to get your thoughts straight for some people, and disrespecting that, whether you realise it or not, could just add to the anxiety that they’re already feeling and force a distance between the two of you. Please, if there’s someone you know that has asked for space, just give it to them. Chances are, for them to have asked for space, they must really need it.

Think of it as a round-about – those spinny things in playgrounds? Maybe their round-about has gone spinning, and they’re getting dizzier and dizzier until they can’t think straight. The logical thing to do is to sit still, and relax. But if other people try getting onto that round-about while they’ve just started to get it under control, it’ll wobble, and it might even start spinning again. Don’t be the person that makes them lose that control again…

On that note, that’s the end of today’s post. I know, I posted yesterday, but I needed to get some thoughts out into the open, and it’s safe to say that it’s helped significantly. Thanks so much for reading; if you didn’t, I’d really have nobody to talk to about this ❤

Just Average Teen Me

 

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It Happened Again

Hi,

I’m Just Average Teen Me. If you’re wondering what I mean by ‘it’, I mean a few things actually. First off: people betraying my trust, and second: panic attack. For my newer readers, I had a panic attack in October 2015, and since then it’d only been minor shake-ups. Well, today that changed. And I’m pretty freaking terrified to say the least.

I’ll take you through everything that’s happened today, so I can set the scene and let you know what caused it and whatnot.

Everything was completely fine until French, at about 12:00. To be specific, it got a whole lot better, because I ended up with 100% on a vocabulary test which is pretty cool. A (freaking annoying, I might add) guy in my French who sits across the classroom shouted my name, asking what I got. I told him. It was right then that today became the worst day this year, if not in the last two years.

“Britt told me who you like”

Obviously, my first thought was, ‘she would never’, so I said to him “She doesn’t even know.” You’ll probably know, that was a lie. She knows about Flynn. So, this guy proceeds to say that he knows, and then says “Do you want me to whisper across the classroom?” and I told him I’d rather he didn’t. He ignored.

Cupping his mouth, he lip-synced his name: first and last. Britt had told him, and I had no idea why. Of all the people to tell, he’s one of the worst. I said “I promise you, I don’t” and turned back around to my work, refusing to turn around again. Gradually, I could feel my whole face burning up, and I was completely freaking out on the inside. From there, I went into rebound chatty mode, where I talked insane amounts and about anything I possibly could to anyone I could. My knees were shaking and I was completely terrified, but I couldn’t show it.

Lunch time rolls on, and I went to find Britt and Hayley. The first actual sentence I said was “I’m going to kill you.” which may seem a little harsh, but I guess it was a little sarcastic. She played the ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ until I said the guy she told’s name – then she turned around and laughed. Laughed. 

Turns out, she told at least 5 other people. He came up in conversation in one of her lessons, and she told the people in her group. From there, she was talking about how “it doesn’t really matter”; “they don’t care” and “why do you care what they think anyway?”. I told her that it really wasn’t okay. As soon as they (Penny and Britt) found out Flynn even existed, I made them both swear to secrecy. Both of them have betrayed that, and it’s pretty safe to say that I’m trusting neither of them ever again.

As soon as I got off the bus, and began to walk home, I felt my breathing pick up, and by the time I got upstairs, into the bathroom and had a drink, I was more than convinced I was about to throw up. I wound up pacing around my bedroom (there’s only enough space for about three steps until reaching a wall or my bed). It was then that I realised I was having a panic attack. Tears were brewing at my eyes, all moisture in my mouth disappeared, my throat felt like it was closing, my whole body was shaking and shivering with cold sweats, my balance was pretty bad (although the pacing probably didn’t help it) and my stomach was still churning. It lasted about 15 minutes, which is shorter than the one in October, but the feeling of dread was just as bad – if not worse.

Distinctly,  remember saying “stop it” and “woman up” over and over, begging it to go away as I trembled, but it didn’t do much. I was biting my finger and gripping at my trouser leg. Babysitting my two-year-old brother while drinking excessive amounts of water helped to send it away, partly because I didn’t want him to see me cry.

I’ve just got off facetime with Ashley, who told me not to worry, although I’m pretty sure I have some reason to… I’m still terrified and I really don’t want to go back to school on Monday… Have you ever been in a similar situation?

BYE! 😀

Just Average Teen Me

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What’s Your Biggest Fear?

Hi,

I’m Just Average Teen Me. So, I am actually writing this post on Tuesday – not Thursday. I know, I know, finally organised with the blog! I mean, that hardly ever happens! But I wanted to talk to you all about fear, what I’m afraid of, and ask you the same thing.

So, I don’t have many major fears, that impact my life dramatically… Although, I think I might have some form of social anxiety, and I’ve always found making friends really difficult. So I guess that could be a fear of mine. I’m always really paranoid that my friends all secretly hate me and gossip about me (probably didn’t help when that came true once… Just look here if you don’t know what I’m talking about). And since then I’ve been quite scared that I might have another panic attack, especially when someone says they want to tell me something.

I have quite a big fear of heights too. If I’m going up the first hill on a rollercoaster, you can bet that I’ll have my head down on the railings, and my eyes clenched shut. Unless I’m on the Big Dipper or the Grand National at Pleasure Beach; I’ve been on them countless times so I’m used to their heights and dips etc. But otherwise, I do not like the heights at all. Which hopefully, I can get over at some point. As of now though, I cant even look off the top of ‘sort-of-tall’ hills without feeling dizzy and afraid… We’ll see how that problem goes in the future!

I also have a fear of the sea. It might be more of a motion sickness thing. But the thought of it creeps me out and intrigues me at the same time. There’s just so much we don’t know about it, so much down there that we have zero knowledge of. And it’s so powerful! The currents and the animals (or fish I’m not exactly sure what you call them but seriously, who wants to get eaten by a shark?) But anyways, whenever me or my family go to the beach (the beaches in the UK are not at all like the hot, sunny beaches in the Caribbean, or the Balearic Islands, more brown sand, grey water and rain) I never go into the water. It makes me feel dizzy and sick, but creeped out too.

Another of my ‘fears’ could be failure? I get that failing is just a normal thing that people do in life, but because of how much of a perfectionist I am, I do not like to fail – at all. I’m that person who does excessive revision for a topic if I don’t know it all, and sits there trembling like the decks on a pirate ship (see what I did there? Shiver me timbers?) before  a test or before receiving the marks. Usually, there isn’t much to worry so much over, and I do okay, but I can never shake it before I know that.

Finally, my big phobia, is (I should turn my light on now so I’m not sat in the dark – that’s better) the woman in black. It creeps me out just to type it. I know, it’s a film, it’s fiction and it “isn’t even that scary”. But when I watched it, I was below the age recommendation and it scarred me for life. Although at the time I did not think that years later, it would still haunt me. It isn’t just a “AH that’s creepy let’s not watch it again” kind of fear. It’s more of a “If anyone mentions it I will see it in my head and not be able to sleep tonight” kind of thing. I can’t quite explain the feeling that I get in my head when people are talking about it, but just know that I am deathly afraid of it. I only watched it because Daniel Radcliffe (HARRY POTTER) was in it… Then watched the trailer for the second one last year and it has also scarred me (I can still see it so clearly) OH MY I JUST REALLY SAW IT IN MY HEAD AND IT IS NOT COMING OUT! I can see it so clearly. It’s my old phone. And it’s a message that a friend sent me. A picture.

I should stop now I’m getting freaked out over here this is not a good idea…

On another note, I saw a meme/quote that said

“If fear didn’t exist, I’d run up to you, kiss you and tell you that I love you”

which would probably be true. I wouldn’t be afraid of rejection, what anyone else would think (including his girlfriend) and I wouldn’t be worried about being too young (I’m not that young, just my sister had her first boyfriend at 18… So, I doubt my parents would approve. But don’t worry, I’m not going after another girl’s guy. 😥

Anyways, what are you guys afraid of? What is your biggest fear??

Thank you SO much for reading! Make sure to like and follow if you like my blog (I’m getting close to 100 followers!) and leave any thoughts or suggestions in the comments!

BYE! 😀

Just Average Teen Me